Chinese Daughter, White Parents

From the very Moment we thought of it, the idea of adopting a child from Asia didn't phase me a bit. I admit that considering raising a black child, or Hispanic child, or a child from India all made me a quite uneasy. I don't think I could do it. Those ethnicities just seem so different from mine.

But, for some reason, an Asian child doesn't seem different at all. To me it hardly feels like she will be different from us in any way. Maybe it is because we live is such a highly Asian populated community. Or, perhaps because Megan and George are Chinese. Anyway, to me, right now, it doesn't' seem that she will be any different.

But, as I read books on adopting and raising children in a multi-ethnic household I'm beginning to realize that although we won't view her any different from us, others will. And they will not always be discrete nor sensitive about it. It already angers me to think that people will make unintentionally stupid comments like, "Who's child is she?" (Instead of "Is she your baby?"), or "Why would you want to adopt a child from Asia?" I can't even begin to fathom the depths of anger I'll feel when people are more hurtful about her heritage, especially when they say it to or in front of her. Other children will be especially mean. "Your real mommy and daddy didn't want you." In a sort of reverse bigotry, I can even imagine other Asian children deriding her because her parent aren't Chinese. "You're not really Chinese, your parents are not Chinese."

It makes me really sad already to think my daughter will be hurt in these ways from time to time. I pray God will protect her emotions from the thoughtless comments. I pray that Kelsey and I will prepare her for these things and build such a strong family of security and love that the comments will just seem dumb and ignorant even to our young daughter.

Nerves and Excitement

Kelsey and I have been uncertain that we wanted to have children for so long. Now that we realize we do, I can't wait. I want it to happen right away. Usually a patient man, I'm finiding it frustrating to only be at the beginning of the process. I can't believe it will be a whole year from now before our daughter will be here.

Professional Opinion...

B&K ready to be parents!!

One of the questions on the Family Brief is whether you have ever seen a psychologist. If so, they want to know if we will sign a waiver so they can contact the person. We were nervous. Is it a trick question? If we sign the waiver, do they figure we've got nothing to hide and don't even bother the counselor? If we don't sign, will they turn us down because we must have something really bad in our past?

Our good friend Dorothy, who is a social worker and has done home studies for foster care, told us to call the counselor and ask her what she thinks and what she would tell them. So I called Edna. Kelsey and I were seeing Dr. Bohannon together and then me on my own for a few years. When I called to tell her we are planning to adopt she told me, "That is wonderful news. You and Kelsey are going to make wonderful parents. And that is what I will tell them. I am so happy for you. I will tell them that Bob and Kelsey recognized that they had some pain in their past and have worked really hard to make sure that they don't repeat mistakes of the past."

We are so relieved. It's nice to have a professional endorsement. :-)

Starting the Home Study

We've turned in our Family Descriptions (and our first big check$). Next, the agency (Bay Area Adoption Services) says that a social worker should be contacting us very soon to set up our appointments. We will each have an individual meeting with her (they all happen to be women). Then there will be one meeting together and a final meeting in our home. That's the one where they bring the white gloves.

Starting the Process

Kelsey and I have decided to adopt a baby girl from China! We are so excited. It has taken many years, but finally the parenting bug hit us.

You probably have many questions. So do we. Here are some answers:

What can we do? (I had this at the bottom, but it really is the most important question.)
Pray. Pray. We are nervous to finally be parents at our old age. And we are nervous about the mental and physical health of our baby. Everything we hear is that babies adopted from China are generally very healthy. But, as there is no record of their family's medical history and they are raised for about a year in an orphanage...you never know. So, please pray that the girl God has for us will be "healthy as a horse." :-)

China? Why China?
When we started thinking about adoption we quickly ruled out a domestic adoption for several reasons. The most compelling reason is the possibility (likelihood) that the birth parents and our child would connect some time in the future. I don't think I could handle suddenly having to share my child with another parent in the future. The vast majority of children adopted from China are baby girls abandoned by their mothers (and fathers). This is mainly due to the government's "one-child" policy and centuries of the culture valuing boys over girls. (For instance, traditionally elderly parents are taken care of by their son and his wife. If a couple has no son - due to the one-child policy - they will have no one to take care of them when they are old.) This has led to as many as 200,000 to 300,000 babies abandoned in China each year. These children will likely grow up in orphanages and get only a 5th grade education.

Ok, a baby girl from China. When!!?
The whole process takes about a year. The three main parts are:

1. Prepare the mountain of documents, including a home-study by a social worker - 4-6 weeks.
2. Send the dossier to BCIS (formerly INS) and wait for approval to bring a foreign born child into the country - 4-6 months.
3. Send all of it off to China and wait for a "referral" of a child - 6-8 months.

It could happen as quickly as some time near the end of 2005. That would be awesome. More realistically, it will be early 2006 when we bring her home.

Well, that's not much longer than a pregnancy. But, how old will the baby be when you bring her home.
We would like her to be as young as possible. We'll request a baby under 12 months old. Most likely she will be 10-14 months old when we come home.

Come home!? Are you going somewhere?
Oh, yeah. We will be traveling to China to pick her up. When we receive the referral we will have about 6-8 weeks to make travel arrangements and head over to China. We'll be in a group of 5-10 other adoptive parents. The whole trip will take about two weeks while we receive the child then process her outbound paper work in China. We had always wanted to visit China anyway. We'll just be coming home with more precious cargo than souvenirs.